Every time I look at me I don't understand

I wrote this over a week ago but it has been trapped in my old laptop as I transferred programs. Totally without connection to this wordy and meandering post, I just ran across this on which clicking you make for fun time amusement purposes. After you read that, enjoy a moment of inspiration, ask yourself "what would Jesus drink?*" and resume regular programming.

*Answer: single malt scotch, preferably Talisker or Macallan. Don't say wine, because a) that's trite and B) that carries a lot of bad memories for him. He'll forgive you, but he isn't as mild mannered as he used to be. After a few whiskys he might punch you in the mouth and THEN forgive you.

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This is a post of some substance, in relative terms.

There was a point in early 2006 when despite my foolish and misguided efforts to try to set things as I knew they should be, metaphorically speaking I lost control of the car.*

"No brakes," I screamed at first. I flailed for whatever I thought would save me, and as panicked drivers do I made some bad mistakes and skidded on the ice.

People were hurt, it was my fault, I didn't want to and yet I didn't know how to stop it. (That's all been covered before time and again, and I won't take you all to Dullsville by recounting again here my regrets. I've made my apologies and offered my amends long ago. Stupid selfish mistakes, and so on...)

I was flung around the car, terrified and bloodied, and...

Well, if it were a scene from a movie the car would hit something and there'd be a crash, then the ambulance would come and the scene would be over.

I have realized recently that for the better part of my life since then I have been riding in that out of control car. For a while I was that flailing driver, but well... if you're someplace long enough you try to make it work for yourself. Even a careening, out of control car. The world zipped by outside and I sort of adjusted to that... I learned to watch what was going on out the windows, not having any brakes but being able to avoid oncoming traffic and pedestrians. Miraculously, as the speeding sedan of my life went brakeless downhill, there was no slow-motion launch off a cliff. The car kept going, for weeks and months...

Some time ago, I think, the car somehow rolled to a stop. I got out, dusted myself off, tended my bruises... I look back at the ground I covered and it all went so fast. In trying to survive it all, I avoided much. At lot of choices I made I only made because I was stuck in that car. I learned a lot and grew a lot, pulled into myself a great deal, I traveled around the world, and now...

um...

Now what?

Armed with another small triangle in life's Triforce of Wisdom(tm) I find myself at age 33 with a wealth of experiences from the past few years, and I think a much better man than I was before. To what end? I have, but am not crippled by or afraid of the fact that I have regret. I understand its purpose and its place and its lessons. I see how fortunate and blessed I have been to have done all I've done, my whole life.

None of those things really work on a resume, though. (Smiley face with ironic eyebrow raise)

I'm now at the side of the road, looking out at some great vista and wondering how the hell I survived all that and what an idiot I am for getting myself into it in the first place. Realizing only now all the times that I might've jumped from the car safely or brought the car to a stop earlier. I didn't though, for whatever reasons. Since the initial... er... skid, I guess... no one further has been injured and somehow I survived. Now, all I can do is shake my head and try to figure out where the hell I ended up after this stupid ride... and what to do next.

If this were a story I was writing, I would be hit by someone else's metaphorical car and knocked off the metaphorical cliff at this point. (knock metaphorical wood)

It feels like a good place to be, if uneventful. I am going to do my very best to make sure I don't get into an uncontrolled slide ever again.

There is no conclusion to this, but I know everyone has these little realizations here and again. Does this make sense to anyone out there? Are you bored and will never read this blog again? This doesn't have to make sense to anyone else, but... well, it's a decent place to be. I think.

A bit dull, though, after the prolonged 1980s action movie sequence.

*It should be noted I had not been a very good driver for a while leading up to this, either. Still metaphorically.